


Fate/stay night drabbles

by KB9VCN



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Drabble Collection, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2006-09-13
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2018-05-23 11:43:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 92
Words: 9,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6115411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Published 13-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.</p><p>For the <a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/"><strong>31_days</strong></a> "<a href="http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html">I am following the enemy</a>" prompt.</p><p>This contains mild slapstick violence.  Reader discretion is advised.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. I'll Rider Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 13-Sep-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I am following the enemy](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

"Saber and I have a plan to defeat Rider," Shirou said proudly.

"Oh?" Rin said skeptically.

"To find Rider," Shirou said, "Saber simply has to follow her example. OI, SABER!"

An embarrassed Saber walked up— wearing a copy of Rider's visor, tight and skimpy black dress, and tall boots. Saber's body-type was utterly different from Rider's, and the hapless girl looked completely ridiculous.

And then, Saber walked into the door-jamb, whacking her head against it with a dull thud.

"Shirou?" said Rin. "If you're going to make your poor little Servant cosplay? At least poke some pinholes in her visor."


	2. Gilgamess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 23-Sep-2006; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[shed blood becomes a sea](http://31-days.livejournal.com/648089.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from episode 21 of the anime.
> 
> This contains extremely graphic and gruesome humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A vain and unharmed Gilgamesh stood over a badly wounded Saber and a horrifically gashed Shirou. "I have decided to BUTCHER you," Gilgamesh said casually.

He raised his sword and charged at Shirou— and slipped in the large pool of blood around Shirou's body. Losing his footing in his heavy armor, Gilgamesh clumsily fell over backwards, conked his head on the pavement, and knocked himself silly.

"Well played, Shirou," Saber said admiringly.

Shirou tried to answer her, but instead, he weakly vomited up more blood. "* _mwhraoollphh_ *"

Saber frowned. "Shirou, the fight is at an end. You can stop bleeding now."


	3. Bleeding Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Oct-2006; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[snow white rose red](http://31-days.livejournal.com/692306.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains gruesome humor. (It looks like FSN is going to get the "blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth" jokes.) Reader discretion is advised.

Sakura found Saber hard at work over an old-fashioned tub and washboard. "Have you always done your own laundry?" Sakura asked.

"Since I was a small child," Saber said. "A woman must be able to take care of her own needs."

"You certainly do get your clothes clean," Sakura said. "Your blouses are always so crisp and white."

"It isn't easy," Saber said, "especially when they are as badly soiled as this." She held up another blouse that was thoroughly stained with her own blood.

Sakura passed out.

"Perhaps I shall have to pre-soak this blouse," Saber said to herself.


	4. You've Got Grail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Oct-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Jerusalem syndrome](http://31-days.livejournal.com/692306.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from the last episode of the anime. Not exactly "[Jerusalem syndrome](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jerusalem_syndrome)," but close enough for government work.

Saber walked up to Shirou. They gazed upon the prize of their final battle.

"I will destroy the Holy Grail," Saber said solemnly.

After a moment, Saber spoke again. "Master, your orders? If you do not command it, I cannot destroy it."

"fgsfds," said Shirou.

Saber frowned. "Pardon?"

"Notary sojac," Shirou said. "Lorem ipsum. Gazonk. Arfle, barfle, gloop."

_Oh dear_ , Saber thought to herself. _Either Shirou is having a profound religious experience, and his fervor has manifested itself in[theopneustic glossolalia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossolalia)... or else he has taken one too many blows to the head, and brain damage has finally set in._


	5. Babylowned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Oct-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[how many miles to Babylon?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/692306.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is another out-take from the last episode of the anime. Gilgamesh jokes are just too darn fun.

As Saber brandished Excalibur, Gilgamesh opened the Gate of Babylon. The handles of several weapons emerged from ripples in space and time. Gilgamesh reached back and pulled at a random sword handle.

It didn't budge.

Gilgamesh turned and tugged at the handle with both hands. "Damn thing must be stuck between here and Babylon," he muttered.

Saber sweat-dropped. "Um, Gilgamesh?..."

Gilgamesh gestured again, as if to open the Gate wider. All of his weapons suddenly came loose, to fall to the ground with an awful clatter.

Saber winced. _Perhaps_ , she thought, _Gilgamesh should use the Sturdy Shelves of Babylon instead_.


	6. Bumping Ugliness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Oct-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[what goes bump in the night](http://31-days.livejournal.com/692306.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains rather explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin lay in her futon, late in the evening, her eyes wide open. She couldn't sleep because of a rhythmic bumping in another room. * _bump_ * * _bump_ * * _bump_ *

 _Is that Shirou and Saber!?_ , she thought. _I mean, not that *I* care, but still—_

She suddenly overheard Shirou from the hallway. "Illya!! Stop bouncing that ball!! Miss Tohsaka is trying to sleep!!"

Rin giggled, and closed her eyes. _It was only Illya_ , she thought. _It wasn't Shirou and Saber at all._

Then Rin overheard Saber call out. "Shirou? Please come back to bed. We weren't finished yet."

Rin's eyes snapped open again.


	7. JESUS CHRIST ITS A LION GET IN THE CAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Nov-2006; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[god's lioness](http://31-days.livejournal.com/801187.html)" prompt.
> 
> No warnings (besides the swearing in the title). Just in case anyone is wondering— the title was a popular 4chan meme for awhile.

"Yeah, Saber likes lions," Shirou said to Sakura. "I mean, she liked that stuffed-toy lion—"

Sakura interrupted him. "No, Shirou. You misunderstood. I didn't ask if Saber liked lions. I asked, 'isn't Saber LIKE a lion?'"

They both turned to Saber, who was seated at the heated table. She was messily devouring a tangerine, savagely tearing it apart with her fingers, like a lion tearing at the carcass of a wildebeest. 

Shirou sweat-dropped. "Fer cryin' out loud, Saber! What did that poor tangerine ever do to you!?"

A tear trickled down Sakura's cheek. "Nature can be so cruel," she wept.


	8. Abs Stain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jan-2007; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) 2006 Theme Exchange #5 "if you want it, baby, well you can bleed on me" prompt.

Shirou carried a wounded Saber to her room after another battle. Saber beared her injury stoically, but she still whimpered as Shirou set her on a futon.

"Oh," Saber said. "My blood is on your shirt."

"Don't worry about it," Shirou said. "I have lots of shirts, but only one Saber."

"At least let me help you wash that shirt," Saber said.

"Well, okay, but heal up first," Shirou said. "It won't do any good to wash out the blood if you just bleed on it again."

Saber smiled at Shirou's grim yet gentle joke. "Very well," she said quietly.


	9. Truly, Mudly, Deeply

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[You're so messy. Please, marry me.](http://31-days.livejournal.com/907062.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains creepy adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

A bedraggled Saber trudged back to Shirou's house. She was unharmed, but she was completely covered in thick mud.

"SABER!!" Shirou ran up. "What happened!?"

"Rider ambushed me," Saber said wearily. "We fell into hand-to-hand combat, and we fell into a clay pit in a construction area as we fought. Forgive me, Master, but Rider escaped..."

"That doesn't matter," Shirou said, "as long as you're alright, and we can be together." Ignoring the mud, he embraced Saber.

_Oh my_ , Saber thought. _Shirou is very thoughtful_.

_The next time Saber and Rider mud-wrestle_ , Shirou thought, _I hope I get to watch_.


	10. Rin Of Bad Luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[before it got any worse than it already is](http://31-days.livejournal.com/907062.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is a somewhat OOC out-take from episode 15 of the anime.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou carried Saber into an abandoned house near Illya's castle, followed by Rin.

"What are we going to do?" Shirou cried. "Saber's almost out of mana, GARcher is gone, and the Juggernaut and the psycho-loli are after us! HOW—"

"NO!!" Rin shouted. "DON'T SAY IT!!"

Shirou said it. "HOW can it get any WORSE!?"

As if on cue, the abandoned house collapsed.

After the dust settled, Rin called out from somewhere under the rubble. "Shirou? If we both somehow survive this, I'm going to kill you with my bare hands."

Shirou answered from under another mound of rubble. "Duly noted."


	11. It Is Delicious Cake, You Must Eat It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jan-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a god's cake is better](http://31-days.livejournal.com/907062.html)" prompt.

Shirou set a box with a note on his table. Saber, Rin and Illya crowded round him.

"What's that?" Illya asked.

"Dunno," Shirou said, as he opened the box. "It's a cake! What does the note say?"

Rin opened and read the note. "'Please enjoy this cake. —Gilgamesh.' Wait— WHAT!?"

Shirou blinked. "I didn't know Gilgamesh was a cook."

Rin face-palmed. "That's not the point, Shirou. Why would Gilgamesh send us a cake!?"

"Who cares?" Illya said. "Let's eat!"

"Um, NO," Rin said. "This is obviously a trick. Right, Saber?"

"* _phmmmph mmmph mmmph_ *," said Saber through a mouthful of cake.


	12. Rule Breaker Breaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Feb-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the spell that cannot be broken](http://31-days.livejournal.com/934944.html)" prompt.
> 
> Is this covered in the video game? Seriously— what would happen?

"Caster?" asked Souichirou. "May I ask a question about your Noble Phantasm?"

Caster produced an iridescent jagged dagger. "Do you mean, Rule Breaker?"

"Yes," Souichirou said. "You've said that it can dispel any enchantment, with no exceptions?"

"Indeed," Caster said proudly. "However, it has no effect on other Noble Phantasms."

"Yes," Souichirou said again. "So, what would happen if you used it against an enchantment on another Noble Phantasm?"

Rule Breaker promptly vanished from Caster's grip in a puff of logic.

"Souichirou, dear?" Caster said irritably. "From now on, please concentrate on punching things, and let me do the thinking."


	13. Erona Eirei

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 17-Feb-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[spirits in the water](http://31-days.livejournal.com/934944.html)" prompt.
> 
> Been reading too much FSN doujinshi lately...
> 
> This contains rather explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber and Shirou returned to Shirou's house— and heard voices.

"Be careful," Saber whispered. "The other Servants might have laid a trap for us."

They came to the open bathroom door— and found a giggling Rider and Caster bathing together.

Shirou suffered a massive nosebleed, passed out and fell to the floor.

_So that's their tactic_ , Saber thought. _But I am a female warrior, so that won't work on me—_

Gilgamesh and Lancer pranced past, wearing only bath towels. Gilgamesh playfully snapped another towel at Lancer's bottom.

Saber suffered a second nosebleed, and fell to the floor next to Shirou.


	14. What If They Had A War And Nobody Came

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Mar-2007; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[leave the lies ill-concealed and the wounds never healed and the games not worth winning](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1000590.html)" prompt.
> 
> Probably already done in parody doujinshi, but still a fun idea.
> 
> This contains very mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Lancer and Gilgamesh found Kotomine reading a letter. "Who's that from?" Lancer asked.

"The other Masters and Servants," Kotomine said. "Apparently, Saber and her Master, Archer and his Master, and especially Caster and her Master, have all decided to enjoy each other's company, rather than pursue the Holy Grail."

"Is this a joke!?" Gilgamesh cried.

"Hardly," Kotomine said. "Their alliance convinced Rider and her Master to withdraw, and then, Berserker and his Master. Which leaves us, more or less."

"What shall we do?" Gilgamesh asked.

Kotomine shrugged. "'Make love, not war'?"

"Don't look at me and say that," Lancer growled.


	15. Trace Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Mar-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[once the words are spoken, something may be broken](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1000590.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from episode 11 of the anime.

A discouraged Shirou sat in the middle of a floor littered with shattered gas lamps that he had failed to 'strengthen'.

Rin walked up. "Oh dear," she said snarkily. "Not going well?"

Shirou slumped over and sighed.

"Well, never mind." Changing her attitude, she held out a friendly hand to help Shirou up. "We'll try again tomorrow."

"Thanks." Shirou took her hand, and began to stand. "I'm tired of saying 'Trace Oh—'"

"YEEEK!!" Rin suddenly pulled her hand away. "Shirou!! Until you gain better control, never say 'Acetray Onay' while touching someone— especially me!!"

Shirou sighed again. "Oh, right. Sorry."


	16. Dragon Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Mar-2007; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I can slay a dragon any old week](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1000590.html)" prompt.
> 
> This probably takes place shortly after episode 15 of the anime.
> 
> This contains rather explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"We have to repeat the, uh, procedure to replentish Saber's mana?" Shirou asked Rin. "Alright. I'll do anything it takes for Saber to survive."

"You said that, the last time we did this, a dragon tore off your arm," Rin said.

"It doesn't matter!" Shirou said. "It only happened in Saber's 'core'. And besides, I'd literally give an arm and a leg for Saber to be alright."

"This time," Rin said, "it might not be your arm or your leg."

Rin and Shirou looked at each other. And then, they both looked down between Shirou's legs.

"I'm out," Shirou said.


	17. People Die When They Are Killed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Mar-2007; general/humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[so there's hell to pay and until I die, I'll die day after day](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1000590.html)" prompt.

Shirou sat up with a start. "WHA?—" He found himself back in his room, with Saber kneeling at his side.

Saber frowned at him. "You were mortally wounded again, Shirou. I wish you wouldn't throw your life away needlessly to protect me."

Shirou ignored Saber's scolding. "I don't think I'll ever get used to being killed," he said quietly, "or to coming back to life."

"I have," an introspective Saber said. "My mortal life ended more than a millenium ago. I was dead for a very long time."

"Being alive IS better than being dead," Shirou noted. 

"Indeed," Saber said.


	18. I Can Hear The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Apr-2007; angst/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "listening to the rain" prompt.
> 
> Inspiration and title taken from the doujinshi [_Another Mobius_](http://blstorage.manga-sketchbook.org/Doujinshi/Magic%20Squiggle/Another%20Mobius/) (see pages 30 to 32).
> 
> This contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Caster stood at a temple window, staring into the dark gray mist of a heavy rain.

Souichirou walked up behind her. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"I do not like the rain," Caster said. "I am the granddaughter of Helios, but also... it was a day like this when I killed my former Master..."

"That was also the day when I met you," Souichirou said simply.

Caster turned away from the rain and leaned against Souichirou. _I fear that we might have to part soon_ , Caster thought to herself. _If that day comes, I hope the sun will be shining._


	19. Hot Plate Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-May-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[and they call it summer](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1111764.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber was working in Shirou's back yard, wielding metal-shaping tools and a bit of magic.

Shirou walked up. "What are you making?" he asked.

"I was training in my armor," Saber said, "and I almost passed out from the heat. I am from Britannia, and I am not used to this climate."

Shirou agreed. "I hate these hot humid Japanese summers."

"So, I am constructing lighter armor more appropriate for this field of battle." Saber held up a skimpy two-piece metal bikini held together with strands of chain mail.

_I LOVE these hot humid Japanese summers,_ Shirou thought to himself.


	20. Fireworks Tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Jul-2007; humor/romance; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**fsn_fiction**](http://fsn-fiction.livejournal.com/) "[festival](http://fsn-fiction.livejournal.com/9085.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains very mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou and Saber stood apart from the crowd of a summer festival, wearing colorful _yukata_ , and watching a night sky full of brilliant fireworks.

"Are you enjoying the show?" Shirou asked pleasantly.

"Yes," Saber said, without looking away. "Only rarely have I had the chance to enjoy fireworks. Do you watch this show every year, Shirou?"

"Nah," Shirou said. "Actually, I never bothered to come to this festival before. Uh, to be honest, it's no fun unless somebody is with you."

"I see." Saber turned to Shirou. The glitter of the fireworks reflected in her wide emerald eyes. "Shirou?... May I ask you a question?"

Shirou turned to Saber, and smiled. "Of course. What is it?"

"May I have another serving of _takoyaki_?"

Shirou pulled a face. "Saber, you've already had two servings, plus the biggest dish of fried noodles they had, and two ears of roasted corn! What are you doing with all that food!?"

"I must keep up the strength of this mortal form," Saber said in an unusually husky voice. She leaned against Shirou, and grasped his arm. "After all, on a magical summer night like this?... Anything could happen."

Shirou blinked. "...I see," he said nervously.


	21. Trying Her Patience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Jul-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Yoda Speak](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1165513.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is another out-take from episode 11 of the anime.

"It's time to practice your 'strengthen' again," Rin said to Shirou. She held out another fragile gas lamp.

"Alright," Shirou said, as he took the lamp from her. "I'll try to—"

"No!" Rin suddenly yelled. "Do, or do not! There is no try!"

Obviously taken aback, Shirou turned his back on Rin, and Traced On the lamp.

"Well?" Rin asked impatiently.

"I didn't shatter it," Shirou said, "but I didn't exactly 'strengthen' it, either." He held up a lamp that was now made entirely out of cheese.

Rin face-palmed. "The Force is stupid in this one," she muttered to herself.


	22. Reflecting On Divinity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Aug-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[for I offer my worship only to you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1186164.html)" prompt.

"I am truly humbled in your presence," a subdued Gilgamesh said. "For none have your bearing, your grace, or your majesty."

Kotomine walked up behind him. "Gilgamesh?" he said.

"The foolish mortals of this distant time must learn to worship you, to both love you and fear you," Gilgamesh said, ignoring Kotomine. "It is my sacred duty to teach them the error of their—"

"Gilgamesh!" Kotomine said impatiently.

Gilgamesh turned away from the full-length mirror in which he had been admiring himself. "Oh, I'm sorry," he said smugly. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."


	23. FUBAR (Fate/under big attack Rin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Aug-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[my songs are mute with defeat](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1186164.html)" prompt.
> 
> Out-of-character out-of-context nonsense inspired by a couple of demotivational posters.
> 
> This contains extreme adult language (and more adult language than my previous 1100+ drabbles put together!). Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou and Rin cowered in hiding, as the horror that had once been Sakura Matou raged nearby.

 _I'm glad Rin is here_ , Shirou thought to himself. _She's always calm, cool and collected in a crisis—_

"Well," Rin said, "we're fucked."

Shirou blinked. "Pardon?"

"Seriously fucking FUCKED," Rin said.

"Ah," said Shirou.

"Look up 'fucked' in the dictionary," Rin said, "and you'll see our fucking picture."

"Er—"

"Every fucking aspect of our fucked-up existence is well and truly fucked!"

"Uh—"

"We are SO FUCKED," Rin said, "that FUCK-ALL ITSELF isn't as fucked as us!!"

"Well," Shirou said. "Fuck."

"Yep," said Rin.


	24. Middle Ager

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Sep-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[to me, my fair friend, you can never be old](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1216936.html)" prompt.
> 
> Poor Saber.

Saber ran up to Shirou, whining childlishly. "SHIROUUUUU!! Rin is teasing me again!!"

Shirou sighed. "Why do you let her get to you, Saber?... Alright, what did Rin say?"

"She said, I act like I'm middle-aged!!" Saber said, as a smirking Rin also walked up.

"Is that all?" Shirou said. "Still, that is kinda mean, Rin."

"That's not what I said," Rin said. "I said, Saber acts like she's from the Middle Ages."

"Oh," said Shirou. "Well, then..."

"You mean, you AGREE with her!?" Saber cried.

"Yea verily, I dost," Shirou said.

"I'VE NEVER TALKED LIKE THAT!!" Saber wailed tearfully.


	25. Sake For Her Sake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Nov-2007; angst/humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[born under a bad sign](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1306859.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Rider was indulging at a street vendor's noodle stand. "More sake, please," she said.

"Don't you think you've had enough, Miss?" the vendor asked kindly.

"In a past life," Rider said distantly, "I was cursed, and I eventually went mad and killed my own sisters before I was beheaded. And now, I must serve a vile young man who molests me, and I must fight in a seven-way battle to the death, with little hope of victory. I shall probably die within the week."

The vendor set the bottle out for Rider, and turned away to mind his own business.


	26. Freeloaders Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Dec-2007; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[—fool me thrice, shame on me](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1321868.html)" prompt.

As Shirou walked through his kitchen, he saw the refrigerator open by itself. He cleared his throat loudly. "* _ahem_ *"

Saber became visible. "Um... hello, Shirou—"

A smiling Shirou reassured her. "If you want a snack, Saber, you don't have to sneak it."

After Saber left, Shirou saw the refrigerator open again. "* _ahem_ *" he said again.

Archer materialized. "Well, you're allowed too, I suppose..." Shirou said reluctantly.

And then, after Archer left, the refrigerator opened yet again. "Who's that!?" Shirou said.

An embarrassed Caster appeared. "Ah... Er..."

"Oh, fer cryin' out loud!" an exasperated Shirou said. "You don't even live here!!"


	27. Make War, Not Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Dec-2007; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[make war, not love](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1321868.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber and Shirou stood outside a strangely quiet Ryuudou Temple. Saber announced herself to an open window. "Servant Caster!! Show yourself!!"

The only answer was some girlish giggling. Saber and Shirou looked at each other, and then Saber turned back and cleared her throat. "I SAID—"

Caster came to the window. Her hair was disheveled and her shoulders were bare. "Um, hello," she said. "I'm sorry, but Souichirou and I are 'busy'. Would you mind coming back later?"

"What could be more important than the Holy Grail War!?" Saber shouted indignantly.

Caster smirked. "Saber? I know that you are very serious, and that you first died young. But surely, you are not THAT narrow-minded and naive?"

An annoyed Saber sighed. "Very well. We shall wait, if we must."

"Actually," Caster said, "why don't you return another day? Souichirou has both stamina and skill, and it might be some time before weEEEEK!!" With a happy squeal, she was pulled away from the window.

_'Some time'?_ Saber thought jealously. _How long?... And how MANY times?..._

"Saber?" a clueless Shirou asked. "Is something wrong?"

"We must train... TOGETHER," Saber declared. "And YOU must be able to surpass Souichirou in EVERY way."

Shirou gulped.


	28. Fate/stay all night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[conjoined by mystery and fate](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1361030.html)" prompt.
> 
> This probably takes place early in the anime.

Shirou couldn't sleep. He turned in his futon— and found Saber kneeling next to him, silently staring at him.

"...uh, can I help you with something?" Shirou asked nervously.

"I am watching over you," Saber said solemnly. "I cannot leave your side. I must guard my Master."

"In that case," Shirou asked, "why don't you just bring another futon in here, and get some sleep?"

"I would not ask to sleep in your room," Saber said. "We do not know each other well. I would not want to make you UNCOMFORTABLE."

_This is not going to be easy_ , Shirou thought.


	29. Life Could Be A Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jan-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[in absentia](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1361030.html)" prompt.

"You know," Rin said to Archer, "when I said earlier that you don't always have to stay at my side, I didn't mean that you could take a vacation without me."

Archer was standing at the door, wearing sunglasses, a flower-print shirt, shorts and sandals. "In that case," he said smoothly, "why don't YOU come with ME?"

Rin face-palmed. "Archer, I can't take a vacation during the Holy Grail War!"

"Why not?" Archer asked. "Wouldn't you enjoy catching rays on the beach with your extremely handsome Servant, while the other participants kill each other off?"

"STOP MAKING SENSE!!" Rin yelled.


	30. A Kiss Before Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Feb-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[yet let me kiss my lord before I die](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from episode 19 of the anime.
> 
> This contains grim humor (duh). Reader discretion is advised.

A mortally wounded Caster and Souichirou embraced. "Oh, Souichirou- _sama_..." Caster said weakly. "Our time together has been so short. I do not want to say goodbye..."

"Then we shall not speak," Souichirou said solemnly. He held her close and kissed her deeply.

"Excuse me!?" an indignant Gilgamesh yelled from a distance. "The Servant who just killed you, here! If it isn't too much trouble, would you both please knock off the 'doomed lovers' act and die already!?"

"He's really... getting on... my nerves," a dying Souichirou growled.

"I've found..." Caster gasped, "that most people... who've killed me... particularly annoy me."


	31. It's Good To Be King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Feb-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[what are kings, when regiment is gone?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1430852.html)" prompt.

Saber and Shirou were working in Shirou's kitchen, while Rin was reading a book at the dining table.

"This modern kitchen is amazing," Saber said, "but still, some things were easier when I ruled Brittania."

"Oh?" said Shirou. "In what way?"

Instead of answering directly, Saber suddenly yelled at Rin. "YOU!! PEON!! WASH THESE DISHES!!"

Without looking up from her book, Rin silently gave Saber the finger.

"If I had done that back in Britannia," Saber said, "these dishes would have been washed for me."

"If *I* ever yelled at Rin like that," Shirou said, "I'd be eating those dishes."


	32. The Last Course Of Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Mar-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[crossing swords](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1506131.html)" prompt.

The fragile truce between Saber and Archer had ended, and they now fought fiercely for a prize that only one of them could claim.

Saber swung her sword down in a mighty death blow. Archer blocked her attack with crossed falchions. The well-matched opponents paused briefly, looked into each others' eyes, and smiled grimly. And then, the battle began anew.

Shirou and Rin watched them fight. "You know," Shirou said to Rin, "we could just order them to share the last slice of cake, instead of fighting over it."

"We could," Rin said, "but that wouldn't be nearly as entertaining."


	33. Fun Assassin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Apr-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[battle of attrition](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1549763.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "Fun Assassin" by They Might Be Giants.

Caster was bragging about her evil schemes to Assassin, but he didn't seem interested in them.

"Don't you care about the Holy Grail War at all?" an annoyed Caster suddenly asked.

"Why should I?" Assassin asked. "I cannot win this battle of attrition, for I serve another Servant. If you and I survive all other attackers, you will then dispose of me yourself in order to claim the Holy Grail."

"Thought of that all by yourself, did you?" Caster asked smugly.

"When one hasn't had a single enjoyable sword-fight for days," Assassin growled, "one has plenty of time to think."


	34. Looking Out For Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Apr-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[mercy is bad for the vision](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1549763.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains slapstick violence. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou found Sakura searching through his house. "What are you looking for?" Shirou asked.

"Rider's mask and glasses," Sakura said. "We can't find either of them at our house."

Rider walked up, wearing a blindfold to hide her Mystic Eyes. With arms outstretched, she wandered through the room, and walked into the far wall, whacking her head against it with a dull thud.

She felt for the doorway, and left the room. A moment later, Sakura and Shirou overheard a long cartoonish crash that ended with the sound of an empty bucket falling over.

"I'll help you look," Shirou said.


	35. Atlantis Alas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jun-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the past is another land](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1634356.html)" prompt.

Rider was absently tracing her fingers in circles on a world map.

Sakura walked up. "What are you doing?" she asked kindly.

"Remembering Atlantis," Rider said distantly. "I think it was near here..."

"You visited Atlantis!?" a surprised Sakura asked.

Rider nodded. "It was a land of many wonders, and home to a highly advanced civilization."

"It sounds like you liked it," Sakura said.

"Not really," Rider said. "The people there only stopped trying to kill me after their island sank and they all died horrible deaths."

_I don't think Rider has ever been happy anywhere_ , Sakura thought to herself.


	36. Cramped Under The Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Jul-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[flipping tables](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1685108.html)" prompt.

Saber and Shirou were sharing a heated table, munching on winter oranges and watching some television. "Isn't this nice and relaxing?" Shirou said happily.

Saber suddenly breathed in sharply, clenched her teeth— and effortlessly kicked the table high into the air, and all the way across the room, with her inhuman strength.

After recovering from his own shock, Shirou looked down, and saw Saber rubbing the calf of her left leg. "I am sorry," she said. "I have a leg cramp from sitting too long like this."

"Gosh," said Shirou. "I thought slow heat was good for preventing leg cramps."


	37. Truth Or Tsundere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Jul-2008; humor; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[death by embarrassment](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1685108.html)" prompt.
> 
> Poor Rin.
> 
> This contains out-of-context nonsense. Reader discretion is advised.

Several of the Masters and Servants quietly and nervously sat in a circle on the floor, around an empty bottle on its side. By a random draw, Sakura was chosen to spin it first; it pointed at Rin.

"Don't you dare ask me for a Truth," Rin said dangerously. "You already know everything about me, anyway."

"'Kay," Sakura said playfully. "Dare. Um... kiss Archer."

Rin's face turned as red as her sweater. But she silently motioned to Archer, and he leaned over and planted one on her. The others ooh'ed and aah'ed appreciatively.

"Are you not going to spin the bottle?" Saber asked Rin, after waiting patiently for a moment or two.

"Puh-pass," Rin gasped, still out of breath. "Guh— go a-huh-head, if yuh-you want."

Saber spun the bottle; it pointed at Archer. As might be expected, Saber showed no mercy, but to the others' surprise, she was unusually forward. "Dare," she said. "Kiss her again. But this time, do it like you mean it."

Archer grinned. "With pleasure," he said smoothly.

_I'm going to order Archer to kill all of them slowly and painfully_ , a completely flustered Rin thought to herself, _and then I'm going to kill Archer personally_.


	38. Without A Trace On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Aug-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[trace](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1720454.html)" prompt.

Sakura walked up to Shirou, who was standing at a kitchen counter and holding one hand against a toaster.

"Are you trying to 'trace' a problem with the toaster?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah," Shirou said. "I can't find anything wrong with it. It should work!..."

"Um, _sempai_?" Sakura said.

Shirou had closed his eyes in concentration. "Not now, Sakura," he said patiently.

"But, _sempai_!" Sakura gently pushed him aside, and plugged in the toaster.

Shirou hung his head. "Uh, please don't tell Rin about this," he said meekly.

"Don't worry," Sakura said sweetly. "I'm always forgetting to plug it in myself."


	39. Trash Picky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 18-Aug-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[centuries before I come to where you are](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1720454.html)" prompt.

Saber was intently watching a television special on European archaeology. To Shirou's surprise, she seemed to be unhappy.

"What's wrong?" Shirou asked gently. "I thought you'd enjoy seeing your native lands again."

"Yes," Saber said crossly, "but they are digging up ruins in Brittania now."

"So?" asked Shirou.

"Would you enjoy watching someone looking through your garbage?" Saber asked.

"Good point," Shirou noted.

Saber's expression suddenly turned to surprise. "OH!! Look, Shirou!"

"Looks like they dug up a gold brooch," Shirou said. "It's pretty nice—"

"That was mine!" Saber said excitedly. "I had wondered what had ever happened to it!"


	40. She's Stewing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Dec-2008; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[here's vengeance for your story-books](http://31-days.livejournal.com/1912785.html)" prompt.

Saber met with Shirou on the way to her bath. "Is Taiga still angry with you for eating the last of the stew?" asked Shirou.

"I do not think so," Saber said. "In fact, she kindly lent me this container of bath salt, and told me to be sure to soak it up."

Shirou took a closer look at the container that Saber was holding. "...uh, that isn't bath salt," he said. "It's seasoned salt. You know, for cooking MEAT."

Saber gulped.

"This might also explain all the raw carrots and potatoes in your bath water," Shirou thought out loud.


	41. I Kiss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Feb-2009; humor/romance?; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days_exchnge**](http://31-days-exchnge.livejournal.com/) "dark kisses" prompt.
> 
> See also [I KISS YOU!!](http://www.ikissyou.org/)
> 
> This contains adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin opened the door of a storage room in the back of Shirou's house, intending to fetch a pot for Shirou to use for cooking dinner. Before she could turn on the light, strong arms grabbed her, pulled her into the dark room, and closed the door behind her.

To her credit, Rin didn't scream. "HEY!! Leggo, you * _MMMPH_ *!!"

After the surprise kiss, she tried again. "Archer!! I thought you were watching the house!!"

"I am," Archer said smugly, "and I've caught an intruder."

"Very funny," Rin said irritably. "You know, you scared me half to * _MMMPH_ *!!"

"Oh dear," Archer said after another kiss. "I was hoping that you were this excited to see me."

"Take it easy, wouldja!?" Rin gasped. "How'm I supposed to talk with your tongue in my * _MMMPH_ *!!"

After a even deeper kiss, Archer gave her another chance. "I'm so sorry, Rin. You were saying?..."

"Shut up," Rin in a husky voice, "and finish what you've started."

—

"I wonder what's taking Rin so long," Shirou said to Saber, who was already sitting at the dinner table.

"Most likely," Saber said matter-of-factly, "her Servant has distracted her, and now they're having sex."

"...you lost me," Shirou said.


	42. Meat Counter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 6-Jul-2010; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Every time you go away you take a piece of meat with you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/2542381.html)" prompt.

Shirou served dinner to Saber, Rin, Sakura and Taiga.

"Only five cuts of meat?" Rin asked. "That's only one for each of us."

"I cooked TEN," Shirou said, "but..." He gestured at Saber.

"Why do you suspect ME?" Saber asked indignantly.

"Because you interrupted me five times while I was cooking," Shirou said, "and 'distracted' me with ridiculous warnings. It was so cute that I just had to play along."

"What nonsense!" Saber said. "I would NEVER— Oh, look! Is that Halley's Comet?"

"If you try to distract ME and steal MY cut, girl," Rin growled, "I will cut YOU."


	43. Living With Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Jan-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[death didn't scare her, it made her feel alive](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3152652.html)" prompt.

Shirou found Rin hard at work, but humming to herself, in the room she had taken in Shirou's house. "You seem to be enjoying yourself," Shirou said.

"I've been preparing and training for the Holy Grail War for years, and it's finally here," Rin said. "Why shouldn't I be enjoying myself?"

"Because you might die?" Shirou said.

"If you worry about death, you'll never enjoy life," Rin said. "After all, you could fall ill, or get hit by a bus... or your extremely talented and beautiful classmate might tire of your nonsense and wipe you out."

"That's true," Shirou admitted.


	44. That's Not Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you do not have to be good](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.

Shirou sat down next to Saber with a heavy sigh. "Problem?" Saber asked.

"Just another argument with Rin," said Shirou. "She told me that I shouldn't bother trying to be good."

"That is terrible advice, Shirou!" Saber said angrily. "You must remain true to yourself and not betray your principles."

"No, Saber," Shirou said patiently. "Not good instead of evil— good instead of BAD at being a Master."

"Oh," said Saber. "Well, it IS probably useless to try to improve yourself. As it is said in this day and age, you SUCK."

"That seems to be the consensus," Shirou agreed.


	45. Potty Of Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[while monsters are mostly made of magic, human beings are mostly made of water](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains violence and toilet humor (duh). Reader discretion is advised.

Illya watched as her Servant proceeded to beat the snot out ouf Shirou, Saber and Rin.

But then, she suddenly raised her hand. "Wait a moment, Berzerker! I gotta go potty."

"WHAT!?" Rin yelled. "Are you SERIOUS!?"

Ignoring her, Illya walked away. Saber, Rin and Shirou awkwardly looked at each other.

Somewhere, a toilet flushed.

And then, Illya returned. "OK, Berzerker" she said, "go ahead and kill them now."

Shirou hesitantly raised his hand. "Actually... I gotta go too."

Rin held her poor head. _And to think that I trained my whole life for this battle_ , she thought to herself.


	46. Sex Now, Violence Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Feb-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[someday together, we'll shine](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3162331.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Reader discretion is advised.

"Is something troubling you, Souichirou?" asked Caster.

"I know that your plan requires patience," Souichirou said, "but I am a man of action, and I find it difficult to do nothing while our opponents fight."

"Grant me but a few more days," Caster said, "and the Holy Grail will surely be ours."

"But I want to punch things NOW," Souichirou growled.

" _Aahn_ , Souichirou- _sama_." Caster draped herself all over him and whispered in his ear. "Why don't you let this Servant soothe your troubled mind? And by 'soothe your troubled mind," I mean SEX."

Souichirou sighed. "Oh, alright," he said reluctantly.


	47. Post-War Depression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 8-Mar-2016; angst; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember and cry](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains adult themes. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin went to visit Shirou, and found him sitting behind his house, absent-mindedly staring into the distance.

"How're you holding up?" Rin asked.

Shirou shrugged. "Alright, I guess."

"You're still thinking about Saber, aren't you," Rin said quietly.

Shirou didn't answer, but after a moment, he brushed away a manly tear.

Rin gave him a friendly side-hug. "She wouldn't want you to sit around and mope, you know," she said gently.

"Yeah, I know," Shirou said sadly. "Rin? You lost Archer earlier on in the war, but don't you miss him too?"

"Nope. He was just my Servant," Rin lied.


	48. Saber? I Hardly Even Know Her!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Mar-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the questions are complicated and the answers are simple](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3171011.html)" prompt.
> 
> The "[you lost me](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/jam-it-in-you-lost-me)" meme will never get old.
> 
> This contains explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Rin?" asked Shirou. "Could you explain again how I transfer mana to Saber? I just don't get it."

Rin face-palmed. "You have SEX with her, you big dope."

"...you lost me," Shirou said.

"You make HOT SWEET LOVE with her ALL NIGHT LONG!" Rin yelled. "You have sexual intercourse in the missionary position, as for the purpose of procreation!! You make the beast with two backs!! You dance the horizontal tango!! You make a magic sandwich!! You lock legs and swap sauce!! [YOU PUT YOUR P*N*S TO HER VAG*** AND JAM IT IN!!](http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/86528)"

"Still not following you here," Shirou said.


	49. Sword Catalog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[sword and sorcery](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.

Lancer found Gilgamesh working at a computer terminal and printer, typing serial numbers and printing bar-code stickers.

"I never thought I'd see the King Of Heroes reduced to a warehouse shelf stocker," Lancer said smugly.

Gilgamesh returned his taunt. "I've taught myself the 'magic' of modern technology to catalog my collection of swords. A fool like you, with a STICK as his one and only weapon, wouldn't understand."

"DUDE!!" said Lancer. "You have TOO MANY SWORDS!!"

Gilgamesh was thoughtful. "'Too many swords'... I know what those words mean separately, but when you use them together, I can't understand them."


	50. She Maid Him Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-Apr-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[cleaning up the mess](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3181743.html)" prompt.
> 
> This is an out-take from the first episode of the first anime series.
> 
> This contains somewhat disturbing imagery. Reader discretion is advised.

"So," Rin said to Archer, "are you going to help me clean up the mess you made of this room when you answered my summoning?"

"If I must," Archer said casually.

"But before we start..." Rin opened a closet and pulled out a French maid uniform on a hanger.

"You have GOT to be JOKING," Archer said.

"Nope," Rin said with a somewhat disturbing smile.

"I hope you realize," Archer said, "that I'll barely fit in a maid uniform that appears to be in Saber's size."

"You say that as if it were a bad thing," a drooling Rin said.


	51. Bed Bug Bitten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-May-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the memory of you emerges from the night around me](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3192648.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains psychological gross-out humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Good night," Saber said to Shirou from the open door of his room. "'Don't let the bed bugs bite.'"

Shirou smiled as he slid into his futon. "Did you have bed bugs in Britannia?"

"Yes," Saber said uncomfortably, "but we hardly noticed them amongst the lice, ticks, and fleas."

Shirou grimaced. "I'm sorry I asked."

"Don't worry, Shirou. You and Sakura keep this house clean," Saber noted. "Well, good night."

After Saber closed his door, Shirou tried to relax. But then, he involuntarily scratched himself.

_Aw, nuts,_ Shirou thought to himself. _My imagination is gonna 'bug' me all night long._


	52. Gnawing Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 22-May-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[your absence digs into me / the evenings that set without you](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3192648.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains mild silly weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin found Saber sitting at the dinner table, fork and knife in hand, waiting for Shirou.

"When Shirou runs late," Rin said, "you could just warm up some food for yourself."

"Or you could warm up some food for me," Saber said.

"Or you could just get STUFFED," Rin growled.

"Or YOU could BE my food," Saber said dangerously.

Rin sweat-dropped. "Wait, what?"

—

Shirou finally returned, and found Rin sprawled on the dinner table and howling with ticklish laughter. Saber was theatrically gnawing on Rin's bare leg.

_This is what happens when you forget to feed your Servant_ , Shirou thought.


	53. Death To The Battle To The Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[when there’s no cops around, anything’s legal](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.

"What are you worried about now?" Rin asked Shirou. "Not that I really want to know."

"The Holy Grail War is a battle to the death, right?" Shirou asked.

"Unless a Master seeks sanctuary, yes," Rin said.

"What happens if the police get involved?" Shirou asked. "They're already investigating Rider's attacks at school."

"The Holy Grail War is a WAR," Rin said. "Generally speaking, WARS are BEYOND DOMESTIC LAW ENFORCEMENT!!"

"But, Rin—" Shirou started to say.

"If I'm arrested and put on trial for murder," Rin yelled, "you can come to my trial and tell me 'I TOLD YOU SO!!'"


	54. Fate/stay alert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-Jul-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[trust no one](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3221174.html)" prompt.

As Saber walked with Shirou, she noticed him glancing from side to side and eyeing passers-by with suspicion.

"You have seemed unusually nervous lately, Shirou," a concerned Saber said.

"You'd be nervous too," Shirou said, "if an Irish fisherman impaled you, a supermodel in a goth-punk cocktail dress stabbed you, an albino loli sic'ed her giant on you, and then your ethics teacher beat the snot out of you."

"And yet," Saber noted, "if any of them needed help, you would do anything for them."

"Well," Shirou said modestly, "as long as they stop beating the snot out of me first."


	55. Where Ya Been?  Where Ya Goin'?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Aug-2016; humor/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[we came from the same nowhere](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains imminent sexytimes. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin was studying aged books of lore. Archer appeared and embraced her from behind.

"Archer, please. I'm working here," Rin said. "I'm trying to find where you came from."

"I was summoned from the Throne of Heroes," Archer breathed into Rin's ear, "the same as the other Heroic Spirits."

"No, BEFORE that," Rin said. "If we don't know where you've been, how can we know where you're going?"

Archer's hands wandered over Rin's body. "Surely you can tell where I'm going now," he said as he kissed her neck.

Rin sighed, but smiled. "Yes," she purred, "but keep going anyway."


	56. And Dream Of Sheep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 29-Aug-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3229023.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also "And Dream Of Sheep" by Kate Bush.

Shirou awoke in the middle of the night to find Saber staring at him.

"Saber, why don't you get some sleep?" Shirou asked nervously.

"I could not sleep even if I wanted to," Saber said.

"Everybody needs sleep," Shirou said. "Why don't you try counting sheep?"

"Why would I ever do that?" Saber asked.

"When you ruled Brittania, you must have owned sheep," Shirou said. "Didn't you ever count them?"

"There was no need," Saber said. "When I ruled Brittania, I knew exactly how many sheep I owned: ALL of them."

An exasperated Shirou pulled his blanket over his head.


	57. Taken Abacus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-Sep-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[get a real computer](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.

Sakura found Shirou at his table, flipping through household expenses with one hand and using an antique Chinese abacus with his other hand.

"I haven't seen one of those in years," Sakura said. "And you're so good with electronics and machines that I would expect you to use a calculator or a computer."

"It belonged to my father," Shirou said, "and I enjoy using it."

Sakura watched him for awhile. " _Sempai_?" she said gently. "You have no idea what you're doing, do you?"

"Nope," Shirou admitted readily. "But the beads are pretty and they're fun to slide back and forth."


	58. Play By Playbook

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Sep-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Read The F***ing Manual](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3243917.html)" prompt.

"The next time we encounter Berzerker," Rin said to Shirou, "I'll need you to... wait, are you TAKING NOTES!?"

"Well, yeah," Shirou said. "You can't expect me to memorize everything. Our tactics change for every battle."

"You're not going to have time during a BATTLE TO THE DEATH to CONSULT A NOTEBOOK!!" Rin yelled.

Shirou turned to another page in his notebook. "When Rin yells at you," he read out loud, "nod your head and say 'Yes, Rin'."

And then, Shirou closed his notebook and nodded his head. "Yes, Rin," he said.

_DO NOT KILL THE IDIOT,_ Rin reminded herself.


	59. Out Of Fireplace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Oct-2016; humor/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[in front of the fireplace](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.

At Saber's request, she and Shirou were sitting before a cozy fire— or rather, a long-playing video of a cozy fire.

"Sorry, Saber," said Shirou. "This house doesn't have a fireplace. This is the best I can do."

"It is strange," Saber said. "Back in Britannia, if we did not have a warm fire, our lives would have been in danger... but here, we would be in danger if we DID have a fire."

Shirou held an arm around her and pulled up a blanket around them. "Well," he said, "I'll do what I can to keep my Servant warm."


	60. Trick Or Treat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Oct-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[trick or treat](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains somewhat OOC silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

"I'm almost out of jewels," Rin said to Archer, "and I'm also almost out of money. I guess we'll have to go rob a bank."

"Could you not use a less expensive medium for your Jewel Magecraft?" Archer asked.

"Such as?" Rin asked skeptically.

Archer reached into a pocket and produced a small wax-paper bag. "Jellybaby?" he asked.

"You can't be serious," Rin said.

"Exploding candies would bring a whole new meaning to 'trick or treat'," Archer said.

An amused Rin chewed on a jellybaby thoughtfully. "Well, a candy store would be easier to rob than a bank," she noted.


	61. Back To The Dark Ages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Nov-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3253389.html)" prompt.

Shirou was running errands with Saber in the Fuyuki City shopping district late in the evening after the sun had set.

"These modern city lights are a nuisance," Saber muttered irritably. "I cannot see the stars to keep my bearings."

"I suppose light pollution must be annoying after the 'dark ages' of your native Brittania," Shirou said thoughtfully.

As if on cue, the shopping district suffered a sudden blackout. A few nearby couples gasped and embraced in fright.

"Ah! This is much better," Saber said happily, without a trace of fear.

_That's the least romantic reaction imaginable,_ Shirou thought sadly.


	62. Type-Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 30-Nov-2016; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[you said 'it's just like a full moon](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3266685.html)" prompt.

Caster and Souichirou stood in the grounds outside the Ryuudou Temple and gazed upon a moon so bright that it cast shadows.

"This full moon is much brighter than usual, is it not?" Souichirou asked.

"It is a perigee-syzygy of the Earth–Moon–Sun system," Caster said, "but the popular term is '[supermoon](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supermoon)'."

"I am not familiar with your sorcery," Souichirou said. "Does this moon portend bad luck or cruel fate?"

Caster clutched at her Master's arm. "No," she said, "but it IS incredibly romantic, don't you think?"

"I suppose so," Souichirou grumbled.

Caster giggled. "It's just like you to 'moon about'."


	63. Taigamesh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 7-Dec-2016; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I won't hide my love anymore!](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains 200% CRACK. Reader discretion is advised.

"I have found a new Master for you," Kotomine said to Gilgamesh.

Taiga walked up. "HI!!" she said brightly.

"Seriously!?" Gilgamesh said in disbelief.

"Well," Taiga explained, "Shirou and Rin finally told me about this Holy Grail War thingy, and they told me ALL about Saber and Archer, and I decided I wanted a piece of the action."

"Not only is my new Master a 'mongrel'," an unimpressed Gilgamesh thought out loud, "but she's also a 'Christmas cake'!"

Taiga licked her lips suggestively. "Oh," she purred, "I can't WAIT to use a 'Command Spell' or two on YOU."

Gilgamesh gulped.


	64. Holy Grail Con

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Dec-2016; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[we all suffered in order to make it here, right?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3272715.html)" prompt.
> 
> (I started with an idea much closer to the prompt, but I ended up with THIS.)
> 
> This contains out-of-context silliness and disturbing humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou, Rin, and Sakura wandered through a mostly-empty hotel convention room.

"I gotta say that this '[Holy Grail Con](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DashCon)' is a major disappointment," Shirou said.

"I can't believe they held a last-minute 'mana-raiser' at the door," Rin agreed.

"Now, now," Sakura said. "It'll be worth it just for the _Eirei_ panel—"

As if on cue, Zouken appeared. "I'm afraid that the _Eirei_ panel has been canceled. As reimbursement, please accept these tickets for an extra hour in the [Crest-Worm Pit](http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/792539-dashcon)."

"Oh GOODY!" Sakura cried. "I LOVE play pits!"

Shirou and Rin offered Sakura their tickets. "Have fun," Shirou said nervously.


	65. Respecting His Boundaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 1-Jan-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the innocent who makes cages](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.

Saber and Lancer prepared to do battle on a city street. But then, Shirou shouted. "WAIT!!"

He drew a three-meter-wide chalk circle around the Servants. "Don't cross that line," he said.

Saber facepalmed. "WHY!?" she asked.

"We're between a school, a temple, and a police station," Shirou said. "If we leave a hundred-meter 'buffer zone' for safety, this is the remaining space."

"NO," said Saber.

Shirou raised his Command Seals. "YES."

"Well, I don't mind," an amused Lancer said. "However, this 'field of battle' is too small for our weapons."

"Paper-rock-scissors?" Saber asked.

"Best three out of five," Lancer agreed.


	66. Scent On Their Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 9-Jan-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[nothing about her is human except that she is not a wolf](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.

Saber was accompanying Shirou home from school when she suddenly paused.

"Is something wrong?" Shirou asked nervously.

"I smell something," said Saber. She sniffed the air while slowly turning in place.

"I know you have heightened senses," Shirou said, "but I can't smell anything."

Saber pointed. "Half a kilometer away..." she said in a deadly serious voice.

Shirou gulped. "Yes?"

"... _taiyaki_ are being sold," a drooling Saber declared.

"Well," an unusually snarky Shirou said, "at least it's something important."

"It is very important to purchase _taiyaki_ for your hungry companion," Saber said.

"You got me there," Shirou said with a smile.


	67. Sweat Her Sweater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Jan-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I would strongly advise you not to advise me](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.

Shirou glanced at Rin's favorite red turtleneck as they set out to fight. "Are you going to wear that sweater to a battle to the death?" Shirou asked.

"You're one to talk, 'Mr. Jeans And Jersey'," Rin growled.

"It's not that," Shirou said. "I know you like that sweater, and it suits you. I'd hate to see it get torn or muddied."

"Oh," a touched Rin said. "Well, um..."

"Or drenched in blood and gore," Shirou continued cluelessly, "or partly dissolved by some weird acid attack in a fan-servicey way."

"You need to learn when to stop talking," Rin noted.


	68. The French Taunt Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jan-2017; humor/parody; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[history is personal](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3284216.html)" prompt.
> 
> See also... well, you know. This takes place during _Fate/Zero_ in case I get to use this OC with Caster.

As Irisviel watched, Saber faced another young female swordswoman who bore an uncanny resemblance to [Jane Wiedlin](http://billandted.wikia.com/wiki/Joan_of_Arc).

 _I wonder if that Servant could be Joan of Arc_ , Irisviel thought.

"[Your MOTHER was a HAMSTER](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8yjNbcKkNY)," the swordswoman said snarkily to Saber, "[and your FATHER SMELT of ELDERBERRIES!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8yjNbcKkNY)"

 _Well,_ Irisviel thought, _she's definitely French. I wonder how Saber will respond._

"Why don't you ROAST a MARSHMALLOW over YOURSELF," Saber shouted, "you [CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZUKEVU-TwM)!"

Irisviel facepalmed. _This couldn't possibly be more ridiculous,_ she thought.

The swordswoman made a magical gesture— and then a cow fell on Saber.

 _I stand corrected,_ Irisviel thought.


	69. Booby Trap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Feb-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[under the shadow of a precipice](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3295603.html)" prompt.
> 
> You can probably guess what this contains from the title. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin was walking through downtown Fuyuki City when Archer suddenly pulled her aside.

"Rider is [directly above us](http://www.animegalleries.net/img/418968)," Archer explained. "She's obviously waiting to... uh, ambush... uh..."

"Are you looking up Rider's dress!?" Rin hissed.

"Of COURSE not!" Archer said. "She's facing down. I'm looking DOWN her dress."

"Quit perving on the enemy Servant," Rin growled.

"Are you implying that her beauty distracts me?" a distracted Archer asked.

"DUH!" said Rin. "She's so hot that even *I* find her attractive."

Archer slowly turned to face Rin. "Go on," he said through a heavy nosebleed.

"Welp, we're gonna die," Rin said.


	70. Swords-Man Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 4-Mar-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others throw at them](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains weird gruesome humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber found Shirou admiring a small ornate sword. "Did you 'trace' that sword yourself?" Saber asked.

"No," Shirou said. "I pulled it out of my chest cavity after our latest battle with Gilgamesh. He plunged it entirely into me."

Saber sweat-dropped.

"I don't recognize this blade's place in history," Shirou said, "but it's very well-made, and it's held its edge. I hardly even felt it when it cut my pancreas in two."

"This is not the first time that I have said this," Saber said, "but Shirou? Sometimes I honestly and truly worry about you."

"Duly noted," Shirou said cheerfully.


	71. Shut Up So That I Can Kiss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Mar-2017; humor/romance?; 200 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[unexpected kisses](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3306592.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains out-of-context silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou walked up on a completely disheveled and flustered Rin.

"Did Archer grab you and make out with you... again?" Shirou asked.

"Yep," Rin squeaked.

"You know," Shirou said, "if you don't want him to grab you and make out with you, you could order him to stop."

"Ih-it's not like I duh-don't like it," Rin stammered, as Saber walked up. "Why don't you mind your own business— and why don't you make out with your OWN Servant instead."

After Rin walked away, Shirou and Saber stared at each other for a long silent awkward pause.

"Did Archer grab her and make out with her... again?" Saber asked.

"Yep," Shirou squeaked.

"I see," the ever-serious Saber said thoughtfully.

They stared at each other for another long silent awkward pause.

"So, uh," Shirou said nervously, "would you like to, uh—"

"Yes," Saber said simply.

"I mean," Shirou said, "only if you want to, uh—"

"Yes," Saber said again.

"It's just, I wouldn't want to pressure you into—" Shirou started to say.

Saber reached up with both hands and held his face. "Shirou, please shut up so that I can kiss you."

"Shutting up now," Shirou said just before he was kissed.


	72. Holy Grail Master Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 12-Apr-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[fate is the question that I throw out](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3316945.html)" prompt.

"Are you ready to go fight Caster?" Shirou asked Rin.

"I guess so," Rin said noncommittally. "If we have to."

"Uh... are you feeling OK?" Shirou asked.

"It's just that I realized something," Rin said. "The Holy Grail itself chose the Masters to participate in this war... including YOU."

"And?" Shirou asked.

"If the Holy Grail thinks YOU'RE worthy of it," Rin said, "I seriously have to question its good judgment. In fact, if the silly thing doesn't know any better than THAT, I'm not sure it's worth the trouble."

"That does call its value into question," Shirou agreed readily.


	73. Fail Bait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-May-2017; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[next time, you're the bait](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains out-of-context gross-out humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Lancer had [gone fishing](http://typemoon.wikia.com/wiki/File:Fate_Hollow_Ataraxia_Lancer_fishing.JPG) on a day off, but he was loudly cursing to himself.

Sakura was walking nearby, and she overheard him by chance. "Is something wrong?" she asked.

Lancer turned to face her. "Pardon my language," he said sheepishly. "The bait shop was closed."

"Oh! I can give you some bait!" Sakura said cheerfully.

She turned away and make horrible wracking noises. "* _HOK_ *!! * _HOK_ *!! * _HAAAUGHK_ *!!"

And then, she turned back and held out a handful of crest-worms. "Here you go," she said sweetly.

"On second thought," Lancer said weakly, "I think I'll just buy some frozen fish sticks."


	74. Metal Betrayed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 16-May-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[something magic](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3324655.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Rin and Saber were eagerly waiting for Shirou to serve dinner. But then they heard him sneeze, and then sigh sadly.

"Sorry, but we'll have to order out," Shirou shouted. "I just ruined dinner."

"Did you just sneeze all over the food!?" Rin asked angrily.

"No," Shirou said, "but I accidentally TRACED ON when I sneezed, and..." He held out a tray full of solid-metal food.

Rin raised an eyebrow. "Is that a precious metal? It could be valuable."

"I think it's molybdenum," Shirou said.

"Can we eat molybdenum?" Saber asked.

"Nope," Shirou said.

"Then it is worthless," Saber declared.


	75. Killer Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 2-Jun-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[we live in a world of ghosts, you no less than I](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Killer Lady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQlsG1B2rJ4)" (English dub, originally by Vocaloid GUMI).
> 
> This contains slightly OOC grim humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"Do you know," Caster said to Souichirou, "I think you might have killed more people than I have."

"I was an assassin since I was a child," Souichirou said.

"It's still quite an accomplishment," Caster gushed, "for a mortal to have outperformed a spirit."

"I merely worked for hire," Souichirou said modestly, "but I gather you killed for personal reasons."

"Oh, they DEFINITELY had it coming," a _yandere_ Caster agreed.

"Your bloodlust makes you even more beautiful," Souichirou said.

"" _Aahn_ , Souichirou- _sama_!" Caster cried. "Let us win this war, and make love upon the graves of our enemies!"

"OK," Souichirou said.


	76. Mobile Phone Bane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Jun-2017; humor?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[Sacrifice. Blood and bones](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3326885.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains completely random silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

As Rin and Shirou watched, Archer faced off with Gilgamesh, who was still wearing his civilian clothing.

"I am the bone of my sword," Archer said predictably. "Steel is my... are you making a PHONE CALL!?"

Ignoring Archer, a smirking Gilgamesh dialed his mobile. And then, Shirou's mobile rang.

"Excuse me," Shirou said politely. "Yes?... OK." He handed his mobile to Archer. "It's for you."

Archer rolled his eyes, but accepted Shirou's mobile. "YES?... NO, [I DID NOT MEAN 'BANE'!!](https://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/59855)"

"Gilgamesh might also be the King Of Smartasses," an impressed Rin said.

"I should start screening my calls," Shirou agreed.


	77. Dinner With The King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 5-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I’m keeping company with the ghost in my house](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains somewhat out-of-context humor. Reader discretion is advised.

"So, what are you doing this evening after school?" Ayako asked Shirou. "That is, if you have any time left for yourself after doing favors for everybody else."

"Just some homework and housework," Shirou said. "Oh, and I'll probably have dinner with my, uh, 'friend'."

Ayako raised an eyebrow. "Your 'friend'?"

"You might have seen her around school today," Shirou said. "Foreign girl? Green-eyed blonde? Cute as a button?"

"And YOU'RE having dinner with HER?" Ayako said smugly. "Next thing you'll be telling me she's the [King of Spain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpGV1jOqk4I)."

"Actually, you're pretty close," an impressed Shirou said.

"Huh?" said Ayako.


	78. Snake Head Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Jul-2017; humor; 100 words. Based on [_Fate/hollow ataraxia_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fate/hollow_ataraxia) (unseen).
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[when all of this makes the news, will they remember to tell it right?](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3327585.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Rider walked past Shirou and the other girls while they were having breakfast.

"Good morning," Shirou said pleasantly. "It sure is a nice day, huh?"

Rider gave him a silent baleful look that would have killed many men.

"I wish she'd cheer up," Shirou said after Rider left. "The war's over."

"She's never been outgoing," Rin said. "And besides, you'd be grumpy too if you were a drop-dead sexy woman who was mostly remembered as a [monster](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medusa) with snakes for hair."

"I suppose," Shirou said cluelessly. "I've never been drop-dead sexy myself."

"Truer words have never been spoken," Rin noted.


	79. Violence Reaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[fool, don't try and bend a stubborn heart](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Saber and Shirou were arguing about how Shirou had repeatedly shielded Saber from injury in battle with his own body.

"ARRGH!!" A frustrated Saber suddenly drew her sword.

"SABER!! CALM DOWN!" Shirou cried. "It won't help if you disembowel me yourself!"

Saber breathed out heavily. "...forgive me, Shirou. You're right, of course."

"I knew you'd see things my way," Shirou said cluelessly, "if you'd just look past your own stubborn pride and— * _eep_ *!!"

Saber held her sword against Shirou's throat. "Shirou?" she snarled with righteous wrath. "DO. NOT. PRESS. YOUR. LUCK."

"Taking my hands off my luck entirely," Shirou whimpered.


	80. King Of Zeroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 31-Aug-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I think someone will remember us in another time](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3328150.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).

Two schoolgirls ran up to Gilgamesh and Lancer. "Can I have your autograph?" one girl asked Gilgamesh.

"Why should I bestow my signature upon mere mongrels?" Gilgamesh sniffed.

"Wait," the other girl said. "You're not the lead singer of '[Playboy Renaissance](http://www.bandnamemaker.com/)'."

"What nonsense you speak, child!" Gilgamesh said. "I am the King Of Heroes!"

"Never heard of them," the first girl said.

"The sovereign ruler of Uruk!" Gilgamesh yelled. "The master of Mesopotamia!"

"What-EVS," the other girl said as she and her friend walked away.

"Don't take it too hard, dude," Lancer said. "I doubt they've heard of me either."


	81. Crush Or Be Crushed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 10-Sep-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[I loved him more for his weakness](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).

Rin and Saber watched Shirou prepare another dinner. "He is quite talented, is he not?" Saber asked.

"I suppose," Rin admitted reluctantly. "It's too bad he's an idiot who's only holding you back in battle."

Saber frowned. "Rin, we might be working together, but you should not disparage my Master like that."

"Oh?" Rin said with a smirk. "It sounds like 'someone' might have a crush on her 'Master'."

"I did not think so," a worried Saber said. "Have I somehow been accidentally crushing him in some way?"

Rin face-palmed. "Never mind. You know, you two totally deserve each other."


	82. Mongrel Doggerel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 21-Sep-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[human jackals for every human disaster](https://31-days.livejournal.com/2593257.html)" prompt (back-posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains somewhat out-of-context silliness. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber heard a rapping at her bedroom window, and found Gilgamesh standing outside Shirou's house and holding some notes.

"What do YOU want?" Saber asked flatly.

"I wrote you a love poem," Gilgamesh said.

Saber sighed. "Oh, very well. Let's hear it."

Gilgamesh cleared his throat and read his notes:

_Roses are red, violets are blue;  
Everyone here is a mongrel but you._

Saber face-palmed. "Are you CAPABLE of SPEAKING for FIVE MINUTES without calling people 'mongrels'?"

Gilgamesh cut himself off, but not quite in time. "Of COURSE I can, you MOH— MOH— MAH-velous girl!... HEY! Where are you GOING!?"


	83. Muscle Memorization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 19-Oct-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[our bodies remember](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329101.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Rin was briefly alarmed to find Archer behind the house wielding an array of weapons in his sleeveless shirt.

"Are you training?" Rin asked. "That's a relief. At first, I thought you were fighting an invisible foe."

"I must train to wield my weapons without hesitation from 'muscle memory'," Archer said.

"I see," Rin said thoughtfully.

A few minutes later, Archer paused. "Er, Rin? Why are you still staring at me?"

"I'm memorizing your muscles too," Rin said lustily. "Mind taking your shirt off?"

"Far be it from me to inhibit your studies," an amused Archer said as he stripped.


	84. Killer Cuisine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Nov-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[poison & wine](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3329779.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> Morticia and Gomez Addams have got nothing on these two...

A domestic-mode Caster prepared two salads for dinner while Souichirou carefully brewed a fine tea.

Caster sipped her tea. "...you've added [iocane powder!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMz7JBRbmNo)" she said. "Such poisons are harmless to Servants, but I'd bet my life on it!"

"I've spent many years building up immunity to all common poisons," Souichirou noted. "It's supposedly odorless and tasteless, but I find it brings out the flavor of _sencha_."

"How's your salad?" Caster asked hopefully.

"Superb," Souichirou said. "The hemlock and belladonna are particularly palatable."

"Meals with you are so wonderfully romantic," Caster said happily.

"We certainly have good culinary compatibility," Souichirou agreed.


	85. On The Rocks Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 11-Dec-2017; humor/romance?; 100 words. Based on [_Fate/hollow ataraxia_](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fate/hollow_ataraxia) (unseen).
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[tiny glaciers](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains OOC kinky adult humor (or maybe not OOC - remember the " _Rider-san To Asobou_ " doujinshi?). Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou and Rin were chatting in Shirou's kitchen when Sakura walked up to the refrigerator.

"Sakura? Did you need something?" Shirou asked.

"Ice cubes for Rider." Sakura emptied a tray into a bowl.

Rin frowned. "Is she drinking alcohol this early? And with you?"

"Oh no," Sakura said sweetly. "I stripped her naked, tied her up, and blindfolded her for some ice cube play."

Shirou and Rin watched Sakura walk away. "Huh," Rin said. "They're getting along well."

"I don't know whether to be worried about Rider," said Shirou, "or happy for her."

" _¿Por qué no los dos?_ " Rin asked.


	86. What's On Your Mind?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 26-Dec-2017; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[in the middle of the night call if you wanna talk, cause you know that I wanna talk too](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3330148.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[What's On Your Mind](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tzf_mi6-w4amp;t=14s)" by Information Society.
> 
> This has become a personal running joke— see also [this one](/works/6115411/chapters/14018191) and [this one](/works/6115411/chapters/18071563).

Shirou tossed and turned in his futon, opened his eyes— and once again found Saber silently staring at him.

"Saber? Is something wrong?" Shirou asked patiently.

"No," Saber said flatly.

"Are you sure? If something IS wrong, we can talk about it."

"No," Saber said again.

"In that case," a well-annoyed Shirou said, "WHY are you SITTING there and SILENTLY STARING at me like that?"

Saber answered him with another question. "Shirou? Is something WRONG?"

An exasperated Shirou pulled his blanket over his head.

"If something IS wrong," Saber said, "we can talk about it."

Shirou whimpered into his pillow.


	87. One Scar Too Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 3-Jan-2018; humor/romance?; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the old wounds to bleed afresh](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> his contains adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

While snuggling with Archer, Rin studied the fine web of faint scars on his hands and arms.

"Did you earn these scars before you became a Heroic Spirit?" a sympathetic Rin asked.

"When I became your Servant, I maintained my mortal appearance," Archer answered.

Rin held his scarred hand to her lips and kissed it. And then, Archer whispered in Rin's ear.

Rin rolled her eyes. "Do you expect me to believe that you have scars THERE?" she asked.

"Does that mean that you won't Kiss It Better?" Archer asked.

"I didn't say THAT, now did I?" Rin said lustily.


	88. Who Loves The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 28-Jan-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[the glorious, golden, glad sun](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3331131.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[Who Loves The Sun](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqVWBVbytXo)" by the Velvet Underground.
> 
> This contains brief adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou and Saber were walking down a street on a sunny day when Lancer appeared— and handed them sunglasses.

"Uh?..." asked Shirou.

"Just put 'em on, kid," said a resigned Lancer as he put on sunglasses too. "It's for the best."

And then, Gilgamesh strode into view in his golden armor. "Greetings, Lesser King and Mongrel," he said.

"Oh, for— ARRGH!!" Shirou took off his glasses and was immediately blinded by the armor's golden glare.

"I tried to warn you," Lancer said. "He spent all day yesterday polishing his armor."

"You spend more time 'polishing your pole'," Gilgamesh said smugly.


	89. The Trick Is To Keep Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 25-Feb-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[everyone is good at something. Everyone needs to hear that](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> See also "[The Trick Is To Keep Breathing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwKtszQ8Ejo)" by Garbage.
> 
> This contains brief mild adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Shirou and Rin had returned to Shirou's house after winning a battle in the Holy Grail War.

"Rin, you were amazing!" Shirou gushed. "My favorite part was when you did a back-flip while blasting Caster's dragon-tooth warriors on both sides. The angle of your requisite panty-shot was perfect."

"Um, thanks?" Rin said with equal parts embarrassment and annoyance. "And I was impressed when you, um..."

She hesitated as Shirou smiled at her expectantly. "...when you remembered to keep breathing," she said weakly.

"The regularity of my respiration was always one of my strong points," an otherwise talentless Shirou said proudly.


	90. The Dateless Samurai

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 24-Mar-2018; angst/humor/romance; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[boink and let boink](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3332043.html)" prompt (posted to AO3 only).
> 
> This contains near-explicit adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Assassin was standing guard on the Ryuudou Temple steps late one evening.

_And so another night passes_ , the reflective Servant thought, _with only the light of the Moon to keep me company..._

Assassin suddenly heard Caster's girlish laughter from the open window of her temple bedroom.

_She and Souichirou made love loudly last night_ , an annoyed Assassin thought. _Do they HAVE to go again TONIGHT!?_

As if in reply, Caster's giggling soon turned into load moans, and then, rhythmic cries of pleasure.

Assassin sat on a step and held his head in his hands. _I am SO LONELY_ , he thought.


	91. Chopping Block Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 15-Apr-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[chop, chop, chop](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3336873.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains cute grim humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Saber was standing next to Shirou in his kitchen and watching him prepare another home-cooked meal.

"I know you have a hearty appetite," Shirou said, "but my cooking isn't THAT interesting."

"I enjoy watching you prepare food," Saber said earnestly. "You are very skilled with that kitchen knife."

"Oh," Shirou said modestly. "Well, I—"

"The way you chop vegetables," Saber said, "reminds me of a beheading."

Shirou sweat-dropped. "Uh... really?"

"[Off With Their Heads!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtCQHCOls2E)" Saber made a chopping motion and a cute clicking sound with her tongue.

"Are you SURE that you're one of the Good Guys?" Shirou asked nervously.


	92. A Hole In Ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Published 20-May-2018; humor; 100 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](https://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[a million dead-end streets](https://31-days.livejournal.com/3337647.html)" prompt.
> 
> This contains brief violence. Reader discretion is advised.

With Illya and Berzerker in pursuit, Rin and Shirou ran up to a brick wall.

"We're trapped like rats!" Shirou cried.

"[Speak for yourself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfM4ZqPUvxQ&t=5s)," Rin said. "I have an idea. When I say duck— DUCK."

Berzerker advanced on them. "Squish 'em REAL good!" Illya said eagerly.

"DUCK!!" Rin shouted.

Shirou ducked, and Berzerker punched a convenient hole in the wall behind him.

"That was brilliant," Shirou said to Rin as they resumed running, "but why did we have to use my head as Berzerker's target?"

"I thought of the idea," Rin declared, "and so my brain is obviously more valuable."


End file.
